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A reflection on the past year

Disclaimer: This is going to be a long and very honest to god, personal post. This is less of an advice post and more of a personal reflection.

Last weekend marked a pretty significant event for me. It was the one-year anniversary of my college graduation. It’s crazy how fast time flies, and I went into a bit of a reflection tonight during my run.

I’ll be honest here: I’m not 100% happy or satisfied by the way things are for me right now. They say actions speak louder than words, and your actions reflect your true desires. As I ran tonight, I went though some of the major events in my life the past year.

May 2012: I graduated college. I felt extremely excited, on top of the world, pretty much like I was the shit. However I knew deep down I was in for a big change. From then on I would be considered an ATO Alumni, not an active member anymore. Pressure was huge on what I was going to do next. In fact, it was the only damn question people would ask me after I told them I graduated. I got pretty sick and tired of repeating the same answer over and over again: “I’m going to take prerequisite courses at a community college in order to get in to physical therapy school.”

July 2012: I moved out of the fraternity house and into a nice place with my old coworker and some friends of his. I became pretty isolated from my old fraternity bros because I lived “too far” for them to come out and visit my new place. Fact of the matter was that I only lived about 15 minutes away. Talk about having “a bond as strong as right itself and as lasting as humanity.” Assholes.

I spent most of my summer working full time and only really left town once to visit my brother in LA. The rest of the time I was trying to hang onto the remaining threads of my friendships with my fraternity brothers by driving back to the house and getting shitfaced with them and passing out on the couch. Classy.

September 2012: I tried to make something of my Kinesiology degree and got a short-lived stint as a personal trainer. Only problem with that was that while I really wanted to help people, they wanted a salesperson. After diving straight into the many shady aspects of business and sales at that gym, I got out.

On a chance occasion, I met an amazing girl. It was the perfect setup. It was a fun night out in the city with my brother with some of his friends, and a ton of drinking and eventually dancing. I literally bumped into her on the dance floor, danced with her a bit, and ended up exchanging numbers.

This relationship became my focus and my center of everything. I didn’t realize what a huge mistake that would end up being. She was great though, unlike any other girls I’d dated in the past. She was smart, fun, witty, had a great sense of humor, and beautiful inside and out. She was motivated, driven, and had a sense of class that I hadn’t experienced in any other girl. I fell hard for her, and because we lived an hour apart, my weekends started to focus solely around her. We went to baseball games, ate delicious food, explored the city, and met each others’ friends. It seemed like such a perfect thing.

January 2013: And in what I thought was the peak of our relationship, she dumped me. She had the courtesy and decency to drive down to my place and do it face-to-face, but it was completely unexpected. It crushed me. The most reasoning I got out of it was, “It’s not you, it’s me. You’re an amazing guy and I’m sure you’ll have no problem meeting an amazing girl. It’s just not me.”

That night I went and bought a decent amount of weed. It proved to be my sleeping medicine, since I knew I had many sleepless nights ahead of me.

February 2013: During my relationship I had fallen to a financial low, scratching at every opportunity to pick up more hours and working myself to death so that I could visit her. I was driving a shitty car which I put off getting registered because it costed too much to repair it so it would pass smog.

But things picked back up. I got a second job, I got a better car, I moved closer to my old friends, and my financial situation improved. While all of these things improved around me externally, I was still screwed up over this breakup. I numbed myself in any way I could in order to contain any thoughts or memories of her. I remember burying myself in work and drinking a lot.

March/April 2013: Time heals all, and the few friends I had left were pretty supportive of me. It helped that I got back into playing tennis again, it’s good to get consistent exercise. With my improved mood and wanting to get out and play the field again, I got back into the pickup art community again, a community that I had looked into back in 2007 or so. I read the books, tried some things, and, while I hadn’t been particularly successful, I realize I was doing more sitting and reading and studying when in reality the value of the material is to get out and practice.

So here I am today. I’m in community college, still working, still trying to meet girls, and in all honesty, trying to figure out my life, who my real friends are, and who I really am. In doing so, I’ve buried myself in a ton of self-improvement material, reading all kinds of crazy articles every single day, thinking of the next big blog post I should write. The part that bothers me is that I feel like I enjoy going to work, but possibly not for the right reasons. Is it because I love what I do, or is it because I love feeling like I’m needed?

The big message here is that I’ve been stuck in the past. I want to have a relationship that was as fun and adventurous, if not more, than the one I had with Jess. I want to have a career that is truly fulfilling. I want to be able to travel and see the world. I want to let go and be free of this anxiety that I’ve been having.

The answer is to let go of the past and be done with it. Have an empty cup so that you may fill it with the present. Don’t look towards the past or the future, focus on the now, for everything that is, is now.

I just re-read The Great Gatsby. Some of the major themes in that book were that of superficiality, living in the past, and the want to change yourself into something you’re not. With that, I’ll end this post with a quote from the book:

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther…. And one fine morning——
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

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#1: What do you really want to get out of life?
To find true happiness within myself, to break out of monotony, to no be wrapped up in petty ideas but to be the most genuine, wholesome person I can be and to share that with people. To have a strong sense of self and to have a solid group of friends to share that with.

#2: What can you offer the world that no one else can?
Genuine happiness, laughter, care and compassion, a good friend, great sex

http://goo.gl/COM82

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Its been a while

Its been a while since I’ve posted here. I’m a little drunk and this place is my canvas. I draw and create here. Who cares about the bullshit? I don’t. I fucking rule. I do.

Thoughts

It’s 6am and I’m about to go to work but I was just thinking, I don’t want my ATO and college days to be my glory days. Today, I make a deal with myself. I will be even more awesome, more kickass, follow my dreams and find my passions in order to achieve what I truly want. No more excuses, no more complaining, only putting in solid work. I’m also going to have fun with it. And I need to get my three approaches a day, every time make an excuse, the more I fall behind. Lets get it in!

Ugh

I still feel somewhat fucked up over Jess. I think tonight is the first night ill admit it in a while. This lonely feeling sucks, I could use some affection here

Experiment

Today’s day 3 of a little personal experiment I’m doing – no more internet porn. Apparently, there are a number of sexual, physiological, emotional, and social benefits to cutting porn out. Sleeping better, improved mood, improved confidence and attractiveness, more directness with women, more energy, deeper voice, reduced social anxiety, among other things. Up to this point, things haven’t been too hard (hah) but I’m trying to prepare myself for withdrawal symptoms, I’m sure they’re waiting just over the horizon.

It makes sense too, in a number of ways. At least according to what I’ve read and watched, masturbation tricks our primitive brains into believing we are procreating often, which in turn  reduces our desire to go out and find a mate.

Biologically, masturbation spikes dopamine levels at orgasm and generally decreases testosterone levels, making those levels unbalanced.

And finally, socially, which makes the most sense, if the ONLY way I’m going to get release is from an actual woman, then shit, I gotta put myself out there or else I’m gonna explode!

I hear the one week mark is when things really get rolling. I’ll check back in on Friday. We’ll see how I’m holding up!

I’m actually pretty excited for this!

Adventure

I don’t know what it is, but I have this yearning for adventure. I want to get out and do new stuff, meet new people, and just live life. I’m totally inspired by the documentary “Craigslist Joe”. I think it would be completely awesome to ditch everything for a while and just go on an adventure, where things are uncertain and you’re completely out of your comfort zone.

At the same time, that’s like the scariest thing ever.

But when I was dating Jess, I got this great sense of fulfillment. We lived in completely different cities, and while San Francisco was her backyard and stomping grounds, it was completely new to me. I felt like when I was with her, I was like a little kid discovering a brand new unique city with all of these new experiences and people, and it was awesome. I saw new things, learned new things, met new people, and just had a lot of fun experiences. Every weekend turned into an adventure, and I felt incredibly alive.

She’s gone now though, and while I’ve buried myself in working my new job, I think I’m craving that same spark, that sense of newness, that feeling of being an explorer and having new experiences.

So far, my life has been remarkably average. I floated through school, made some friends and connections along the way, and just kind of went where the wind took me. Nothing was particularly challenging, yet it’s shaped who I am today. I don’t want to end up average the rest of my life. I want to make a difference, make my mark doing something important, while at the same time making a great living.

I’ve stayed under the radar for far too long, being that nice, agreeable guy who is easygoing and gets along with everyone, avoiding conflict by agreeing with everyone’s opinions, even if they conflict with mine. I’m that fucking nice guy that gets passed over, the one who’s easily forgotten, the one people are too damn busy for. It’s like being that nice guy everyone knows, and is likable, but that’s about it. Nobody hits me up on my cell phone unless I send mass texts asking other people what THEY are up to. When I suggest things to do, I get a varied amount of responses, but almost always ends up in a no. Maybe I’ve been lacking substance.

I noticed myself doing this lately: I know and have read about a lot of stuff. But I haven’t experienced them firsthand. I tell people, “Oh, I’ve heard that X place is really good!” They reply, “Have you tried it/been there/seen it?” My response is almost always no.

Dating Jess was cool because I got to experience all of this adventure stuff with someone who shared similar tastes and was knowledgeable about her city. It was really fun. I feel like I became somewhat cultured about various things. New experiences were always happening in that short period of time we dated.

Today, I had a small revelation. I decided to ride my bike to a new coffee shop for the first time. I got my coffee, sat down, and read a book for maybe 30 minutes (I got cold =\). As I went to unlock my bike, there was this cute girl struggling with her bike lock right next to mine. There was a small awkward conversation, I teased her about her having a stolen bike, and before I knew it, I was off. In retrospect, that was a rare opportunity for me to take action and meet someone new. I brushed it off. Now, I’m not going to beat myself up over this, but I think this is significant. Next time opportunity presents itself, I need to realize it that split second and jump on it.  Those types of things are crucial. I’ve already formulated this “shoulda woulda” scenario in my head on that situation. Next time, I want to be proud of what I did, not lamenting over what I could have done.

I’m too comfortable right now. Nobody ever got anywhere just sitting in their comfort zone. Or so it seems.

Regardless, today was a nice little baby step. Although I was alone, I didn’t feel lonely. That was good.